I came to a great realization today as I was thinking of anything and everything that I could do in place of the cleaning and homework that I needed to accomplish this afternoon when I realized that I had strayed from my reflective writing. I've not written in this blog in many months and, in true from of the ultimate procrastinator, I decided to sit down and figure out why that was so. Homework and cleaning would have to wait as I had a personal mystery to solve.
It's not that I don't have the time for writing. In fact, I have far more free time now than I have had in pretty much any other period of my life. And it's certainly not that I don't have anything to write about; the past year and a half has been especially challenging and thought-provoking. The more I thought about why I strayed from writing, which I thoroughly enjoy, the more I realized that the reason is that I wasn't getting feedback.
Now, this thought really disturbed me. Why is that that I had discarded my personal outlet when I wasn't receiving comments or praise from outsiders? Wasn't this supposed to be about me taking the thoughts and feelings that swim around inside my head and putting them down in writing, as to quiet my busy brain? This was supposed to my pensieve (from non-HP fans, a vessel in which thoughts and memories that were pulled from the mind and stored in little vials could be placed for future reflection). This was supposed to the place where I could get anything off my chest while, hopefully, inspiring others to do the same. Was the fact that I lacked the ability to inspire this in others the reason I let it fall by the wayside? Sadly, I think so.
Ever since I was a child I have had a nasty habit of giving up on things before they have had a chance to come to fruition. I was part of the instant-gratification generation before it even existed. I can't blame technology or television or not playing by myself enough as a child. I have always had a very creative spirit, a huge sense of worth, and a desire to succeed, but absolutely no patience. My friends and family can attest to this. I don't mind hard work, but I want accolades up front, as this is from where I draw my motivation.
In an effort to grow as an individual, I am publicly recognizing these shortfalls and vowing to myself to keep writing for me. If someone sees this and feels inclined to contribute, that's fantastic. Sharing stories and encouragement are vital to the human experience, but in this forum, it has to start with me. My goal is to create a place where collective experience can uplift and strengthen all who partake, but how, oh how can I expect that to happen when I bar the doors to the very place that I want to create?
I believe that when I look back, in hindsight, I will be very glad that I came to this conclusion, though sad that it took me so long. This is important to me, regardless of whether or not it is important to anyone else, and I am claiming this place as a place of growth and nurture for myself. However, I hope that others choose to join me on this journey.
With nothing else to distract me, I am now on to laundry and Powerpoint. :)
